What could you possibly see in me? Is it my soul hung out to dry?

If I had to choose the one thing that scares me the most in Vietnam it wouldn't be catching sight of my reflection after a nice walk through the humidity, it wouldn't be my feral year six class, it wouldn't even be the disgusting squat toilets at the Bia hoi (although they rate highly)...it would be the traffic. The infamous Hanoi traffic.

Crossing the road is bad enough, there is no way in hell I am getting on a motorbike and getting out there into that shitstorm. I get taxis everywhere and it's a bit of a pain. One great thing about taxis, though, is being able to watch the chaos and insanity out the window. I've started collecting photos of the interesting things I see. Usually motorbike situations that are interesting to me, and possibly other non-Vietnamese, but to the locals they're just everyday sights which I probably look like an idiot for photographing. So, here are a few of my favourites so far...

He's got a Rolling Stones Tee but he only knows one song. They think they're from the 60s but they were born in 1991.

July has been the month for big decisions. I am now biting the bullet and officially staying here until the first day of June next year. Ten more months in Vietnam. Staying until next year rather than leaving in December is the most practical decision. I'm no longer in my 'early twenties' so it's time to act like a grown up. I am really lucky in my job: I adore the kids, my boss and colleagues are great, and it's usually a pretty laid back workplace. That's reason enough to stay until June.

I have actually started to feel a bit more comfortable here lately; I've seen some more of the city and countryside, found some new restaurants, and I'm starting to enjoy my area despite its distance from the centre of town. The weather is still ridiculous - hot and humid every day - but I know that come October I might actually get to wear my favourite jeans again so I can soldier through the sweaty summer. Seriously though, it really is intense, the other day I tried to wipe my sweaty face with my sweaty arm - which was gross - then tried to fix the problem by wiping them both with my sweaty t-shirt. There is no beating it. Someone should invent an air-conditioned bubble suit for Westerners who can't hack the humidity. I would pay for that shit.

Yesterday we took the summer school kids on excursion to the ASEAN Cultural Village. We drove into the country and then took a 40 minute boat ride down a river to the 'village'. It was crazy humid and by the time we even arrived at 9:30 everyone was so sweaty it looked like we'd all taken a dip in the river. ((Side note here to say that Vietnamese kids seem to give no fucks about littering - I told off more than one kid for nonchalantly throwing empty drink bottles into the river and they just grinned at me)) We were then taken around a few of the buildings and the guide spoke to the students about their significance; five out of forty children listened to her, it was embarrassing.  I stood there silently looking at the guide, when I wasn't telling off disrespectful children. One of my students said ' You can't even understand but you still listen!' and I said ' Yes, because unlike you I'm not rude'. He had a point though, I had no idea what was going on until one of the older kids came over and offered to translate for me - renewing my faith in my students. After a couple of hours even I had had enough. One of my year 7 students made me laugh out loud when he came over and whispered to me ' No 1 currrr'.  It was too hot to function.  I was even considering throwing myself into one of the many filthy looking lakes just to wash the sweat off. One of the year 10 students offered me the first sip of his iced tea and then took a sip himself and said ' that was a kiss'. AWKWARD! I rolled my eyes.

On the way back to Hanoi we stopped for lunch at a very traditional Vietnamese restaurant. What I thought were chicken wings were apparently frog legs. Sometimes I am very glad to be a vegetarian. Afterwards we sat around for ages waiting for....well, I'm not sure what we were waiting for as the Western teachers sort of just follow the pack on excursion...but we were treated to numerous displays of early-teen flirting. Oh, so much slapping and kicking and screaming and insults. Fascinating.

After lunch we stopped at the ASEAN Resort so the kids could use some of the rides and games they have there but it turned out that they all required expensive tickets, so the students just sat there for an hour playing on their phones. There was a jumping castle which I wanted go on so badly; sometimes being a grown up sucks.

I haven't worn a shirt since 1993 that's the year I moved my operation to the beach

Recently I had a friend from Australia come to visit. We spent a couple of days enjoying Hanoi, wandering around the streets and drinking cheap beer on street corners. I also ran into a group of my year 11 students in a night club, to my horror, but that's another story.

We went on a Ha Long Bay cruise which was sweaty, very sweaty. I look at the photos now and think ' oh what an idyllic long weekend' completely forgetting that at the time I was dreaming of air-conditioning. The boat was lovely and the food that the staff prepared for dinner looked truly amazing but I am now at the point that if I take one bite of Vietnamese food I feel ill. It's ridiculous. I can't even stomach tofu.

It was really nice to have a friend from home here. I felt like I could relax a bit and just enjoy this city. I didn't realise that I had been lonely but I guess I so. I have met people here and if I want company when I go into town its easy to come by but I don't really have anyone to just sit in a café with and chat for hours.

Annnnyway. I have decided to stay here until the end of my contract in May rather than breaking my contract and going to Europe in January.  Having my friend here, who is also a teacher, made me realise how lucky I am in my job: I adore my students, my boss is great, and my workplace is generally more relaxed than an Australian school. In order to survive here mentally and emotionally for another 10 months I have decided to spend Tet (Vietnamese New Year) in Europe. It's expensive, and I only have 10 days but I figure the cost and travel fatigue is worth it if it means I can make myself stay here until the end of my contract. Then I can go straight to Europe in June and hopefully find work in an international school. Ugh, I feel like my whole life is made up of holding periods when I'm waiting for the life I want to begin. I guess this is what being an adult feels like. Hooray.

Pursuit of happiness, again.

Flower says I am overdue for a blog post so here we go (a lot of text to follow):

Time has been passing here in Hanoi and sadly I am not growing any fonder of the city. However, I still really enjoy my job despite the chaotic past month of writing exams, giving exams, marking exams, calculating marks, writing reports, attending multiple, torturous, assemblies.

 The High School kids here love to perform and every assembly gives two groups of students the chance to strut their stuff in front of the whole school. At first I watched these performances agape, impressed, sometimes a little disturbed by all the teenage hip swinging. Now I sit there glowering, thinking ' so this is what you were doing when you missed three of my lessons last week'. The other teachers and I were told that we weren't allowed to show films in the last week of school (even though all the Vietnamese teachers seemed to be doing just that). So I planned games, fun activities, let's just say things that took a lot more planning than putting on a damn film. What happened? First year 11 lesson of the week four of eighteen students turned up. Next three lessons = nobody. I spent a lot of alone time in my classroom singing along to One Direction.

A couple of weekends ago one of my brightest students and her mother took me out for lunch. Usually I would politely decline any such invitation (clearly it would lead to a world of awkward) but since the student is leaving to study abroad I didn't have a problem with it. It was a really nice day, I'm sure it must have been exhausting for my student as she had to interpret for her mother and me for five hours! I was really proud of her. It was also quite tiring for me, I never realised how difficult it is to be friendly, chatty, casual me with an adult whilst still being in ' appropriate teacher mode' with my student. A lot of my best students aren't returning next school year which really saddens me. I am excited to get new classes in August but I am going to miss my old students, even though I've only taught them for a few months. I hope this connection with my students, and actually caring about them, doesn't fade away as I become an older and more bitter teacher. I can see how it happens.

So, I seem to be talking a lot about school. I guess it's because that's the part of my life I have been focussing all my attention and efforts on lately. I have spent many a late night wondering whether I really want to stay here in Vietnam and the honest answer is that I don't. However, there's the other question of whether I want to stay in my job and the answer is a much stronger yes. Job wins out. I know a lot of people feel they have failed when they move abroad and decide they'd prefer to go home. I guess for me it's different, I don't feel like I chose Vietnam and it's also not an issue of wanting to go home. Sure, I'd rather be in Melbourne but I could also be happy back in Europe. One of my late-night, over-analysing, anxiety-inducing, decision-making sessions led me to decide that I will leave Vietnam earlier than planned but not before I have seen through an entire teaching semester from start to finish. So, the first semester begins in August and ends December/Jan. Closer to Christmas I will reassess but as of this moment my prediction is that I will go to Europe in January and try my luck there once again.

I spend a lot of time thinking about what it is that makes me a bad fit for Hanoi and Hanoi for me. Plenty of people I have met consider Vietnam to be something of a paradise for expats. I'm not completely odd; I recently made some friends who, after six months here, have decided it is not for them and are heading off to Australia. I suppose it really is all a matter of personality and unfortunately mine is at odds with everything around me. So I wrote a list. A list of things that I want from my career/lifestyle. All of the things that will hypothetically offer me contentment. It's list time, bitches.

1. A teaching job in a High School with agreeable colleagues and students who don't like to set things on fire/potential to teach my specialised subject areas.

2. My parents only a few hours travel away/potential to easily reach them if there's an emergency

3. Some disposable income/potential to save money/potential to never borrow from my parents again.

4. Low goddamn humidity/potential for my hair to not look like shit

5. Friends/potential to meet people with similar interests to me

6. Local cafes/pub/somewhere to go and just read a book for a couple of hours

7. Live alone but not in isolation

8. Interesting travel destinations nearby

9. Easily accessible public transport/potential to be independent

10. Some free time but not too much/potential to pursue hobbies/interests/studies.

11. Inspiring scenery/landscapes/buildings/history

12. Potential for romantic interests (What? even if I don't want to chase it, it's nice to know it's there)

13. Easily accessible doctor/healthcare

14. Ability to stay healthy/eat well/exercise without having to join a gym/potential to not feel sick all the time

15. Low pollution/potential to actually see a blue sky during the day and stars at night

So that's my list, I don't think it's exceedingly unreasonable. Hanoi only checks four of these points for me. Obviously everyone has different opinions on what interesting travel destinations are or what kind of scenery is inspiring. For some expats Vietnam is probably the whole shebang. Sadly, I don't think there is anywhere that would check all of these ideals for me at the moment. Melbourne comes close, but the chances of finding a job as good as the one I have now are slim and I'd never be able to afford to live alone. Europe comes even closer, but my parents would be a thousand-dollar and 24-hour flight away. I don't need it all to be happy, though, but I'd like at least twelve. Maybe I can revisit this list twelve months from now and see where I'm at. Maybe then I can whinge some more and continue to piss everyone off. Sorry. Not sorry.

So texty. I really need to start taking more photos when I'm out and about. I do get out and about, you know. I'm just scared that if I take my camera out it will melt within seconds; it's not an irrational fear.

Anyhow. Next weekend I will be leaving Hanoi and heading off to actually explore some of Vietnam. I think I am looking forward to it. My trip involves two eight-hour train journeys, which I am particularly excited about. There will also be ample historical town time and relaxed beach days. Then I'm heading back home to Melbourne for a couple of weeks before I return to Hanoi to teach Summer school. I will be sure to take a lot of photos and write updates on my Vietnam adventures. I really hope to change the whingey tone this blog has taken of late and I feel like this trip is just the ticket.

Hmmm, I feel that after reading all of this you really deserve a photo. However, I've only taken two pictures this month which aren't of my students or the school. They're not very exciting...

 The stairwell in my apartment building. I've seen multiple blankets and towels and even underwear out to dry but never veges. These were there for three days.

 The street next to my apartment building. It doesn't have a name yet nor is it paved. Owners buy the land and build the shell of the building. Then they leave it unfinished indefinitely until they have a pressing reason to finish the construction.

Much as you blame yourself, you can't be blamed for the way that you feel.

I've heard it said many times that every relocation takes at least three months to get used to, so no big decisions should be made before you've been somewhere for twelve weeks. Don't get yourself into a situation where you can't easily leave after three months and also don't decide you hate everything and want to leave before the first three months. Well, considering I'd signed a 15-month contract before I'd even left Australia I wasn't too wise about the first part but luckily, as I approach twelve weeks in Vietnam, I'm happy to stay.

It's possible I'm starting to like Hanoi. I won't make any grand statements because a good weekend does not a perfect life make....but things look promising. Ah, yeah, I'm being a dick. I had a good weekend and I'm relieved that I managed to make more of a connection with this city. It seems that public holidays here are few but not far between. Three days this month and no more until September. Because it was a long weekend I decided to treat myself and get a fancy hotel room in the city (four star hotel, $60 a night with free breakfast). My apartment is in the outer districts so staying in the city centre made socialising a lot easier than it normally is, sometimes I feel like I'm living in expat exile.

A few photos: My hotel room, the view from my hotel, a pool at another resort on the lake, and a delicious drink in a lovely little café (a respite from the chaotic streets and humidity).

It poured down with rain last night and there was some pretty impressive lightening going on. Now the temperature is blissfully low, although the smell of piss keeps wafting into my room. Hmmmm. Trade off?

Time to go and mark forty exam papers before I go back to work tomorrow.

We are the ever-living ghost of what once was.

I have run out of wine.
My Spanish tutor stood me up.
I'm getting a cold.
I can't go away on the up-coming long weekend because all of the trains are booked out.
I am so not getting any kissage while I'm here. I can tell. It's not going to happen.

Wah wah wah, sook sook sook...aaaanyway....

Enough of that, this is actually going to be a post about my favourite place in Hanoi so far: Hanoi Social Club.

It's a restaurant/bar located down a great little inner-city laneway in a narrow three-story building in her 80s. She looks good for her age unlike many other old buildings around town. The laneway is like an oasis on the fringes of the chaotic Old Town.

 I think what I like best about Hanoi Social Club is its Melbourne feel (I'm not doing well with this whole ' embrace Hanoi' thing). It's a hub for expats/travellers in Hanoi and has cool (though, blatantly hipster) events like Ukulele classes.

 A couple of weeks ago I went there to meet a group of other newbies to Hanoi and a couple of locals we sat on the covered roof terrace as it pounded down with effing crazy torrential rain. It was a really nice evening and I went back the next morning by myself for brunch. BRUNCH. BRUNNNNNCH. I miss Melbourne brunch so much so it was really comforting to eat French Toast and drink a caffe latte which tasted like home. Perhaps even better than home.

After I had finished my brunch I chatted with the Australian woman who was working that morning as I signed up to be on the mailing list, I told her I am a history teacher, and that afternoon she emailed to tell me about a local history group she had remembered about. How nice! I could rave about this place, the atmosphere, the staff, and the food for ages but for some reason it's making me feel homesick again so I'll stop.

Great place, if you're in Hanoi you should go! Just don't order the bamboo fries, that was a mistake.

 My Photos of Hanoi Social Club

Let's be honest.

(WARNING - extensive self-involved text to follow)


The decision to move to Vietnam couldn't have been more different to my move to Spain in 2009. I moved to Spain a few months after I finished my undergraduate degree and I had been counting down days, planning, dreaming, and driving everyone nuts about it for close to a year. The third year of my degree was all about history essays and researching everything I could about my future life in Spain. My Mother took me to Europe for four months when I was seven years old and ever since then I've had a love for the continent; I've been back twice for prolonged periods. I moved to Spain to be in Spain. To eat Spanish food. To hear Spanish spoken around me. To travel the country and see the landscapes. Teaching was just a way to live abroad, albiet a mostly enjoyable means to an end.

My decision to move back to Australia was influenced by a variety of ideas and incidents. Although I returned earlier than I had expected to I don't regret it at all. It was time to grow up and focus on a career and I am completely satisfied with the decision to become a qualified teacher. I wrote my History thesis and got my teaching qualification and to my surprise, I was feeling quite settled in Melbourne. I kept thinking I would get a job in a local school, save some money, and then possibly consider moving back overseas in the future.

I couldn't find a job. I applied and applied and heard nothing. I knew it wasn't due to my own shortcomings. There is a major shortage of teaching jobs in Australia right now, in both primary and secondary sectors, and the jobs which do exist are mostly contracts for a year at most. Difficult to find work and once you have it there's little security. Regardless of the fact that my failure to find a job wasn't a personal failure it still felt like shit. I started applying for everything, half-heartedly, and not expecting that anything would come up. Four days later I'd been offered a job in Hanoi.

Now, here's my dirty little secret. I've never been interested in travelling in Asia. Never. Not in the slightest. Not China, not Japan, not Thailand, and yeah, not Vietnam. Many of my friends have been to Asian countries and loved them, but I've always been about Europe, Europe, Europe, and occasional yearnings to see South America.

I've always found it fascinating that different people are interested in different places. What makes two Australians with similar backgrounds, socio-economic status, educational opportunities, and careers so interested in totally different countries and cultures? I feel an affinity to Melbourne and to many of the European countries I've visited but to Hanoi? Definitely not.

I don't love this city. I'm still trying to work out whether I even like it. When it comes down to it, I came here for a job not for any personal desire to live here. If I'd been offered a job in Melbourne at the same time I would have taken it. I have met a few other new expats here and they're mostly ESL teachers who have travelled here before, loved it, chucked caution to the wind and moved here. When they ask me why I'm here I feel like the biggest scum bag in the world when I say I came for a job. I feel like it's shameful to admit that I'm in this country just to earn money and improve my career prospects while they're struggling to find teaching hours in a country they love. I know that if some douchebag had told me they didn't even really care that  much for Spain, while I was desperately looking for a job, I would have been most unimpressed.

So I am trying really hard to make some kind of connection with the country. I have some travels planned for June which will take me along the coast and hopefully seeing some of the county will spark something between me and Vietnam. I've been venturing out on the weekends and trying to meet new people. I'm trying not to become bitter about the 9 hour power outages or the fact that I can't go a week without eating something which makes me violently ill.

All this said, I love my job and I am glad I am here. I just wish Vietnam inspired me like Spain does.

Learning to love life in Vietnam. Coming soon.

I threw my hands in the air and said show me something

So, stuff, about Vietnam....

• Something/someone repeatedly urinates in BOTH of my building's elevators.
• Men seem to tap a lot. I thought it was just my year 8 students who love tapping out a rhythm throughout class, but it turns out that  cashiers, building guards, receptionists all like to tap too.
• If there's a fire in your building, you're going to die. Bars on the windows, no fire alarms, really badly located extinguishers, if any.
• If you find a hair in your food you should just pick it out and continue eating. If you find a bug in your food...you should probably just pick that out too....unless it is your food.
• Rats are there. Get over it....and don't leave your bag on the ground.
• Infants on motorcycles aren't wearing helmets. Get over it.
• People are staring at your beacon of a Western face, no, you cannot blend in. Get over it. Just smile, they'll smile back.
• Karaoke - any time of day.
• Choreographed dance routines to K-Pop are the height of awesomeness to teenagers.
• People love to say 'hello' and giggle when the greeting is returned.
• For young Vietnamese men, speaking to the Western girl as she walks past will earn you a high-five from your friends.
• Motorbikes. Motorbikes everywhere. Footpath? No, it's a second motorcycle lane which you're walking in you stupid, stupid, footwalker (similiar to mouth-breather as an insult).
• Chickens.
• Soccer is the coolest.
• No wait, K-Pop is the coolest.
• The students think it's hilarious when the teacher says 'beach' because it sounds like ' bitch' (this is not just a Vietnamese thing)
• Hot coffee? Weirdo.  
• Sweaty boobs.
• Sweaty boobs.
• People always smile. Always smile. You're happy - Smile. You're upset - Smile. You're angry - Smile.
• Sweaty boobs.
• Love the French Quarter.
• Yet to meet a straight Western male who lives here and does not have a Vietnamese partner. Stereotyping? Data collecting. So, Vietnamese men might like me? No, you are too outspoken! Stereotyping? I hope so.
• Vietnamese women are gorgeous. Stereotyping?
• Vietnamese teachers dress like the fanciest corporate bunch on Swanston St or like they're going to a nightclub. Heels, always.
• Sweaty boobs.
• Only child living abroad? YOU ARE HEARTLESS TO LEAVE YOUR PARENTS.
• If there is an empty space in the neighbourhood.... Community Garden!
• Harlem Shake. It's big.
• 'Forever Alone' = most overused teenage phrase right now.
• That Australian teacher is Forever Alone. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Ahem.
• Run out of money on a half-built high rise? Meh, whatever, come back next decade and finish that shit.
• Facebook. Works when Vietnam feels like letting you use it.
• Power cuts - at least three times a week.
• Packet of cherry tomatoes $5 in Melbourne $0.70 in Hanoi (only one example of massive price difference).
• Only one mosquito bite last night? WIN!

Where the streets have no name

I like to use song lyrics as my post titles. Sometimes they're relevant to what I'm writing about, sometimes they're just from the song I happen to be listening to at the time. Well, the U2 lyrics I've used for this post are definitely relevant to my new life in Hanoi, because so many of the streets really don't seem to have names. Map reading has never been quite this challenging. Neither has crossing the street. Vietnam is incredibly different to Australia. In fact, it's incredibly different to anywhere else I have ever been, and I've been to quite a few places.

 Asia is a whole new world to me, so chaotic and confounding. People are going about their daily business with so much purpose and I'm standing on the side of the road, in the mud, just gaping at the people going past on motorbikes carrying their entire family, entire business, or entire farm (slight exaggeration on the farm, but I've definitely seen a couple of goats and some chickens taking a ride).

There don't seem to be any discernible road rules other than everyone merges with everyone. Buses don't look out for anyone else on the roads, cars don't look out for motorbikes, motorbikes are everywhere - often on the sidewalk. Aside from  other useless foreigners such as myself, I don't think pedestrians even exist...pedestrian crossings certainly aren't taken seriously. I am having a difficult time adapting to the lack of public transport, I'm told buses do exist but have been advised against them (I'm sure I will ignore this advice and seek them out eventually), a tram? a train? HA! No way, man, motorbikeless people get taxis everywhere. Catching a taxi here means always having to be on-guard: have they turned on the meter? Did the meter start too high? Is the meter jumping up too fast? Do you have enough small notes to ensure they don't take your larger note and claim they don't have any change? Have you made it clear enough where you're going? So many reasons to dread having to get taxis. What makes it worse is that even the times when ripping you off never even crosses the driver's mind, you're still in the back paranoid that the meter is hooked up to the sound system and will cost you 5X the amount it should. I really need to get a bike.

Despite the chaos. Despite all the differences. I'm still very excited to  be here and quite content with my job. More to come on that.

To rubbish bins, Hanoi says NO.
So this is a rather ugly photo to post as my first Vietnam photo, but it lends itself to a topic I think is interesting. The Vietnamese don't use rubbish bins. They place their rubbish bags out on the street usually under a tree on a street corner. Early every morning people come round on bikes (usually old women, I'm told) with wagons attached and collect the rubbish bags. In the last few years the government tried to 'clean up Vietnam' by putting out communal rubbish bins. Apparently these bins were used but then rarely emptied, so the Vietnamese simply ignored them and went back to putting their rubbish on the streets. The first time I had to dump a bag on the street I felt so guilty, I dropped it under a tree and quickly walked in the other direction, cringing, waiting for someone to come along and yell at me. Nothing happened and the next morning it was gone.